Communication 21.9.22
Why did i do what i did.
But why?
What is it that i cannot talk to her about that i need to seek elsewhere?
Isnt that part and parcel of a marriage? talking about the good things and the hard things?
I suspect it is part of my personality that doesnt not want to drag loved ones into my world of stress. that's why i seeked someone who i would have no attachements to. We'll listen to the professional about this.
The more stressed I get, the more i close up. And I only want to share the happy times cos they are easy to do.
but when times get tough, I think i want to take it onto myself to deal with it.
I know that is unhealthy. especially in a marriage where I should be able to share both sides of the coin with her.
I need to ask myself a few questions
what do I not share with her? what am i afraid of?
stressors, negative feelings are the main 2.
examples would be trading stress. sadness over a bad flight, certain things that she does that maybe i dont totally agree with.
why do i not share them? i believe it is because i am so used to dealing with things. When i feel a negative feeling come in, i get aware of it and know that i can deal with it and it will go away. Especially when there is nothing that can be done about it. no need to get her worried about it too.
but what happens is that my behaviour will change as i suppress, and she will sense it and now I am a cold person cos i am dealing with it.
as a result, she will feel alone in this relationship cos i dont share these things.
And I know she wants to know.
Im not afraid that she cannot handle it. just that I dont want her to be bugged down by things both of us cannot help.
Also maybe historically a certain thing i said was met with a certain reaction. That led to a not so nice result. I have no examples but I think that is what crosses my mind too. It could be as simple as a small household chore that I want done a certain way, but isnt. And i see it but i just tell myself that it's ok. Conversely, she will tell me about such things and let her disapproval be known. Maybe that is an example of letting feelings be shown at the most fundamental level. But of course not in an angry way, just conversational way.
having typed that down, i think that is really the way i think. i rationalize things in my head and decide on a path forward and move on.
the worst thing is that i am highly suspicious this suppression may have created this monster.
We all know that suppressed feelings is never good. but i have never taken it seriously. maybe cos it doesnt just show it's consequence immediately. It may have crept up slowly until breaking point.
I hate it because it sounds like an excuse. I will state that it is not an excuse.
I am afraid that the habit of not saying things will lead to more and more things not being said. And because of a gradual reduction of communication because i keep assuming things in my head, it leads to an accumulation of stress and then a breakdown.
Worst of all, our communication gets reduced to a level which is at a critical point. As she told me today. Are we one of those couples who eat and have nothing to talk about? Why is it that it is always her who is bringing things up and not me?
I need to ask myself this question. why not me? my life is only studying for trading and flights. flights are always the same, besides a few here and there where there are interesting things about the captain or the flight, and I will tell her. Trading is really boring to the uninitiated. once again this is historical reactions from me. these topics usually get met with bored reactions, thus I may have learnt to not talk about these too much. And I dont have that many fun examples from flying.
I dont read much too. Only study material. The only youtube I do browse is MMA and soccer related. All my news comes from her. I think I have not enough material to share
I worry that I am the boring one in the relationship. I just reflected on my life and that really is all there is now.
Maybe follow other things she follows. But it is not the things she follows that make me love her. It is just her being that i love.
Maybe do more new activites together. that will give us more common topics to talk about and grow together. Sports, climbing. Planning a holiday together with equal input levels and discussion. I know im a hitler when it comes to this and I need to change it.
I want to know how to change this. I know it is not as simple as "ok tomorrow i will say everything i feel" that is too drastic. i want to know the gradual changes i have to make.
I want to make a difference.
I want to know how to come out of my current skin. It is the habits that I have to break.
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