Our ship 21.9.22

 I am devastated. I cannot imagine how shattered she must be. 


I have just made a big hole in our ship. 

A ship that i have committed myself to reinforcing the past 7 years.  

I used my symbol of trust to breach the trust i have built. 

sending her photos was my way of telling her everything is ok. it has been for 7 years until this incident. i exploited this trust. and I cannot stand that I did it. i need to make ammends. 

I know that 1 time is as good as 10 times is as good as 100 times. it doesnt matter how many times it happened. 

I dont expect to be trusted again. 

I will mend the hole in the ship and i will do what it takes to support her in her trauma. It will take an indefinite amount of time. I am prepared for that. 

It is a trauma that is amplified by her prior life experience as she shared with me. I hate myself for letting that happen. 

i so much wanted to be the perfect person in her life. the person she looked up to. the person to guide her in life. i was. but all this is gone just like that. and i am shattered by my mistake. I may never be that person again to her. 


I will do whatever it takes. She has and always will be the reason i do whatever i do. 


I am devastated. I cannot imagine how shattered she must be.


Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Old man with a limp - 23.9

 Apart from the first counselling session,  Took MC for my long FUK. I made the decision for 1 reason only. I wanted to be around for her. Especially in the moments she feels a bit better. I want to be there to give her a hug. no one knows her better me. no one knows me better than her. i want to be there when she needs me. I know not to expect softness from her. How could i? she is experiencing such a wave of emotions that it is likely taking her aback as well.  Alicia told me to have patience. I was already prepared to have patience. However long it takes. Because she means the world to me. I owe it to her to have patience to fix us. It is the nothing compared to what she is required to do.  I havent eaten well.  past three days has been weird. Im sure for her as well.  21.9 only had meal on board. im nt sure if we ate anything late at night. 22.9 had a bit of fruits in morning. noodles after my medical. and a piece of bread and scrambled eggs at night 23...
Read more

Communication 21.9.22

 Why did i do what i did.  What was i Seeking?  Upon reflection I concluded that it was essentially seeking someone to talk/listen to primarily. And the key is that this person has no social attachment to me and will not be affected by anything. Not that this was satisfied. But it was the seeking of conversation that is in question.  But why? What is it that i cannot talk to her about that i need to seek elsewhere? Isnt that part and parcel of a marriage? talking about the good things and the hard things? I suspect it is part of my personality that doesnt not want to drag loved ones into my world of stress. that's why i seeked someone who i would have no attachements to. We'll listen to the professional about this. The more stressed I get, the more i close up. And I only want to share the happy times cos they are easy to do.  but when times get tough, I think i want to take it onto myself to deal with it.  I know that is unhealthy. especially in a marriage ...
Read more