Old man with a limp - 23.9

 Apart from the first counselling session, 

Took MC for my long FUK. I made the decision for 1 reason only. I wanted to be around for her. Especially in the moments she feels a bit better. I want to be there to give her a hug. no one knows her better me. no one knows me better than her. i want to be there when she needs me.

I know not to expect softness from her. How could i? she is experiencing such a wave of emotions that it is likely taking her aback as well. 

Alicia told me to have patience. I was already prepared to have patience. However long it takes. Because she means the world to me. I owe it to her to have patience to fix us. It is the nothing compared to what she is required to do. 

I havent eaten well. 

past three days has been weird. Im sure for her as well. 

21.9 only had meal on board. im nt sure if we ate anything late at night.

22.9 had a bit of fruits in morning. noodles after my medical. and a piece of bread and scrambled eggs at night

23.9 a piece of bread and scrambled eggs. 2 coffees. had an apple.

Like i told her. I feel the physical hunger. but I have no urge to eat. i think it is the same for her. 

I feel a slight trembling pain in my left abdomen. 

Im 65kg. lost 0.5 in a day.

Doctor said I have ketones in my pee. Body only releases ketones when it has no carbs to burn for energy, thus it burns fats. thats when ketones get released apparently. 

today I know what it feels like to be her when i am away. i have to remove the fact that I cannot have focus on anything productive cos of my mental faculties now. but she is away all day, and i try keep the house tidy. all of that is not an issue. it is being alone at home without her around. that is a very sad and lonely feeling. I remember this feeling from when she was working all day last time too. on a better day I would just try to be productive. but now my mind is with us.

I saw an old man walking alone with a limp and an old torn looking bag. I saw an old lady sitting down on a chair just looking into the sky. both different encounters. shared glances with both of them. I told myself there and then that that is not going to be her. she will not be lonely when she is old. it is 50 years later. i want to make this mistake be a small blip in a happy 50 years more of us together. it is less than a quarter of our lives together. I know we can do it. I have been the happiest with her, and i know she has been the happiest with me. 

I wont let her be alone. I will take care of myself to outlive her. I think i can take it better than her. I will be that old man with a limp.

It's late, she's out with Nic. I fear what is said. I fear the worst. I fear not having a chance. I fear losing her.