22.9 night

 Went to be early last night as I was so tired.

was woken just before midnight, i thought it was 6am. only 2 hours had passed.

she shook me awake and  I saw her by my side on the sofa. 

the words she said "why did you have to do this to us?" 

I broke down crying. the entirety of my mistake engulfed me. 

She was so precious sitting there. 

Her face, that precious face which I love so much. I hurt her so deeply. 

Her body, that precious little body which i call my bunby. I just wanted to hold her tight.

every bit of my being crumbled when I looked at the woman whom i vowed to protect. what have i done to us? my heart hurt so much, i cant imagine how much hers hurts. every emotion i feel, i cant imagine how much it is magnified for her. 

I only experience remorse, regret and anger. Hers is so much more. i penned this down yesterday and now I said this to her. i wanted her to know that I feel her pain and i wanted to be here for her. 

When I look at things that remind me of us, i feel the slice in my heart. I cant imagine how much deeper the pain is for her. 

i told her i was so so sorry. i wanted to get help to help us. Im sorry it is so unfair for her. I made the mistake and now you have to recover from your trauma AND seek help together. What did you do to deserve this? Nothing you did deserve this. 

she said she knows i am sincere. i am. i want nothing more than us back to the way it used to be. I want this nightmare to be over for her. i was so happy with everything. why did i do this to her.

I told her again that i dont expect forgiveness from this. (coincidentally there was an article about forgiveness which i found yesterday too).  I want to work on everything together and build us back again. I will do everything I can. I will be committed.

on 21st, she talked about what is she going to do for the rest of her life? she will be alone just like she knew she would. she would be and old lady living for her dogs. 

I willl not let that happen. I told her about us being old together. that I want us to live out our lives together and i am terribly sorry that i put a big big hole in our timeline. Im sorry that I tainted her life story with this mistake.

She asked me why her? why do i want to grow old with her. She sees nothing of herself. She spoke of her having nothing if she is without me. I dont care about that because that is never going to be the picture of us at the end. she will always have me and i want her to know that and believe that. It is going to be hard because of me. but I want to show her that. 

I told her why i love her. i broke down crying cos i dont tell her enough. 

the question now is why does she love me. of everything she has said about me. i am not feeling, i continue to have bad communication issues. possible communication issues that led to this mistake

we were holding hands. 

i cooked her some food when she was still feeling a bit better. and she let me hug her. i broke down in her arms. 

I put her to bed after. I asked her if i could give her one last hug before i slept. she let me. i miss us so much. 

It doesnt matter if I am happy with the small signs she gives, it is more important to me that she gets to happiness. I know  it will be a long road. I am prepared for it.


She told me she loved me. 

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Old man with a limp - 23.9

 Apart from the first counselling session,  Took MC for my long FUK. I made the decision for 1 reason only. I wanted to be around for her. Especially in the moments she feels a bit better. I want to be there to give her a hug. no one knows her better me. no one knows me better than her. i want to be there when she needs me. I know not to expect softness from her. How could i? she is experiencing such a wave of emotions that it is likely taking her aback as well.  Alicia told me to have patience. I was already prepared to have patience. However long it takes. Because she means the world to me. I owe it to her to have patience to fix us. It is the nothing compared to what she is required to do.  I havent eaten well.  past three days has been weird. Im sure for her as well.  21.9 only had meal on board. im nt sure if we ate anything late at night. 22.9 had a bit of fruits in morning. noodles after my medical. and a piece of bread and scrambled eggs at night 23...
Read more

Communication 21.9.22

 Why did i do what i did.  What was i Seeking?  Upon reflection I concluded that it was essentially seeking someone to talk/listen to primarily. And the key is that this person has no social attachment to me and will not be affected by anything. Not that this was satisfied. But it was the seeking of conversation that is in question.  But why? What is it that i cannot talk to her about that i need to seek elsewhere? Isnt that part and parcel of a marriage? talking about the good things and the hard things? I suspect it is part of my personality that doesnt not want to drag loved ones into my world of stress. that's why i seeked someone who i would have no attachements to. We'll listen to the professional about this. The more stressed I get, the more i close up. And I only want to share the happy times cos they are easy to do.  but when times get tough, I think i want to take it onto myself to deal with it.  I know that is unhealthy. especially in a marriage ...
Read more

Our ship 21.9.22

 I am devastated. I cannot imagine how shattered she must be.  I have just made a big hole in our ship.  A ship that i have committed myself to reinforcing the past 7 years.   I used my symbol of trust to breach the trust i have built.  sending her photos was my way of telling her everything is ok. it has been for 7 years until this incident. i exploited this trust. and I cannot stand that I did it. i need to make ammends.  I know that 1 time is as good as 10 times is as good as 100 times. it doesnt matter how many times it happened.  I dont expect to be trusted again.  I will mend the hole in the ship and i will do what it takes to support her in her trauma. It will take an indefinite amount of time. I am prepared for that.  It is a trauma that is amplified by her prior life experience as she shared with me. I hate myself for letting that happen.  i so much wanted to be the perfect person in her life. the person she looked up to. t...
Read more