24.9

 11am. shes asleep i hope. I hope she has a good rest.

I just want to go in and hold her and tell her that this is a nightmare.

while walking bisous. i regret letting myself raise my fingers and make the first step that caused all this. the first step that led to an avalanche of lost control. whatever the factors that led to the lost control.

if i had only stood back and looked at myself then. Rather than look at myself now and hate myself. i could have hated myself for having the thought then. now i hate myself more for having done the deed. 

all this is irreversible. 

I thought of what she said to me. about why i chose a thrashy person. i have no real reason. i think the maybe it is cos my subconscious did not want to be unfaithful, maybe my subconscious just wanted to find an out, a cheap out. but along the way it was corrupted so badly and progressed to the entire misdeed. the uncontrollability of myself, i still cannot believe. 

nothing is an excuse. nothing will make sense. so i rather do this with a thrashy person? that would make my love feel horrible cos it will question her why i do this with such a lousy person. and all the questions that would arise upon herself because of this. but none of that is ever true. this isnt about you, this clearly is about me. 

I think my subconscious just wanted it over with someone who was forgettable and was detached. someone who was cheap, the most value, maybe thats why the idea 3-4hours felt so much cheaper cos i subconsciously divided it by the hours. and now a massage would cost so much cheaper than anything else. my corrupted mind then of course then included anything else that was possible into the equation. 

that is something i have to address. why was my mind corrupted and at the end of everything, i succumbed to that? to even decide on this person? why could i have not just had a normal massage?

i dont regret it now that I have told her. I regret it after it happened. the countless thoughts of what have i done ever since, likely affected my daily life. 

how i even managed to raise my phone again and start chatting with her. i recall it was all friendly. talking about her own daily life. i dont recall being indecent until maybe the night of departure to mnl. somewhere therabouts. that leads me to question to myself, what was i seeking then. 

it could very well been a friend. an anonymous pen pal. albeit an uninterested one. because i was chatting with no intention, yet receiving lacklustre responses. yet I chased the responses. and the chasing got more and more corrupted. 

All this brings me back to the previous thought. if only I had stood back and looked at myself then. if only. 

if only my subconscious did not need to find whatever out it was. if only my relationship with my love were better. i could openly tell her my fears, my stressors, my feelings. maybe i would have felt lighter and none of this would happen. she warned me long ago. countless times that my communication skills are bad. i dont know why i keep reverting back to this closed shell. 

she told me that night that she loved when i did open up to communicate. i wonder how many times i actually did that. how come she endured a person with such bad communication for so long. i feel like i dont deserve her. not even considering my mistake. before this, i look at myself and see that there is really nothing much to love. a cardboard person. dull. no one can expect much from a carboard person. even more so now.