Counselling #1: 23.9.22 Alicia Poon - Touch Health Center (THC)
Session 1 - 23/9 9.30am
Started by talking about the email, running through in summary our history.
I broke down when I detailed the reason I wanted to bring it up to you. She said that I must be in a lot of pain. I told her that
London. Went through it in detail because i brought it up. I saw it as nothing but she saw it as betrayal. It is the act of not telling that is the betrayal.
- communication
Asked about 'ups and downs' that i wrote in the email. What were they? Before and after marriage
Mostly communication issues as i was the less communicative one. Mostly these were the main causes of every disagreement we had. I said i always try to improve that. Im not sure if i have, whether i subconsciously revert back to my personality type, im not sure.
Asked about 'ups and downs' that i wrote in the email. What were they? Before and after marriage
Mostly communication issues as i was the less communicative one. Mostly these were the main causes of every disagreement we had. I said i always try to improve that. Im not sure if i have, whether i subconsciously revert back to my personality type, im not sure.
- i think i am making progress cos each time I say i want to improve, I genuinely want to improve and i hope the progress can be seen.
Told her how i think it is me who is the problem with the communication. About me using historical responses as future reference for my questions in my mind. How this would eventually lead to no conversation. And that i spoke to you about it. She said it is normal for men to be like that.
Describe myself and bun in 3 words.
Me: Logical, objective, practical
Was it the communicative problems that had manifested into a point where control is lost?
Was it something else in our relationship that caused this? We need to explore further together (as a couple, or with a therapist)
How did i feel after the mistake. Regret, dirty, whatever i was seeking (whatever it was, i honestly didn't know) i did not find any satisfaction from the encounter.
Even though i said the second encounter nothing happened, bun and i both saw it as a betrayal. So i cannot be in denial that because nothing happened, it is of lower severity.
If the intention is repair and helping our relationship, i must have patience throughout this journey. The time it takes is indefinite.
Asked me if you had sought help from people around you. I mentioned your friends.
She said there is a good and bad to this.
Good is the consolation some friends will give. Bad is that some friends dont want to improve the relationship as they are biased strongly in favour of the friend. They may corrupt the mind and prevent or slow down the repair process.
Asked me on my support circle. I said I have, but haven't reached out yet.
Forgive and forget is wrong. One cannot forget. But eventual forgiveness is important, not fast forgiveness.
She said that the London incident is a betrayal to you. Because different people have different truths/realities. Even if agreed upon can still feel like a betrayal because a verbal agreement doesnt mean internalizing it to become ones's own belief. And will never be forgotten.
Stressors influence in this in her experience
Family, personal, financial stressors all lead to bad decision making. they need to be identified not as an excuse, but a reason to address. Not to seek forgiveness for understanding my mistake, but to help understand the factors leading up to it so we can have a healthier relationship.
How it will be if you see her.
Told her how i think it is me who is the problem with the communication. About me using historical responses as future reference for my questions in my mind. How this would eventually lead to no conversation. And that i spoke to you about it. She said it is normal for men to be like that.
How i think i am always the one with the communicative problems between us. How I am the way I am, logical, objective and practical whilst you are not. Yet you are accepting of me.
Not sure how it got there, but I think she asked me how i see myself. I saw myself as dedicated, strong on my values and ideals, committed. I was devastated at how I now look at myself and not recognize him. That's why I am here seeking help as I shattered that in my own mind.
- this belief system still exists.
Describe myself and bun in 3 words.
Me: Logical, objective, practical
You: loving, emotional (in a feeling way not a bad way), accepting
How london was a real physical need. And i committed to not even searching for it despite it not being wrong to me. But i stopped cos i know how she felt about it. She said it shows resolution to my values.
Why did i search for this then. Was it a physical massage need? it started out as a physical need and it changed into something else. Still, i wasnt actively searching for a sexual need. I can only contemplate if it was for a conversational need, a need for another detached person and she had an option for a long time thus possibly satisfying that need.
but the fact that there was an option for dirty things showed that i wasnt in the right state of mind to begin with. I need to consider the factors that led to this state of mind because the mistake is made. I need to be aware of all the issues that led to this. Since this was a 'weak moment', a 'slip' in 6-7 years, the reason needs to be addressed and the mistake amended.
How london was a real physical need. And i committed to not even searching for it despite it not being wrong to me. But i stopped cos i know how she felt about it. She said it shows resolution to my values.
Why did i search for this then. Was it a physical massage need? it started out as a physical need and it changed into something else. Still, i wasnt actively searching for a sexual need. I can only contemplate if it was for a conversational need, a need for another detached person and she had an option for a long time thus possibly satisfying that need.
but the fact that there was an option for dirty things showed that i wasnt in the right state of mind to begin with. I need to consider the factors that led to this state of mind because the mistake is made. I need to be aware of all the issues that led to this. Since this was a 'weak moment', a 'slip' in 6-7 years, the reason needs to be addressed and the mistake amended.
- I use these words loosely but it was more of a crack in my personal belief system that led to the betrayal.
The betrayer needs to know honestly if he is remorseful or in denial.
From her experience, betrayers in denial would find every way out of this situation and drag it on for as long a time as he can without fully admitting to the betrayal.
Betrayers in remorse will want to find solutions to fix the mistake and find ways to help the betrayed get through the hard journey
- I know which I am. definitively. I dont want to run away from this and let you deal with this on your own. Even though you say you want alone time. there could be moments where you dont want alone time. And I want to be there in these moments to hug you. like last night.
Was it the communicative problems that had manifested into a point where control is lost?
Was it something else in our relationship that caused this? We need to explore further together (as a couple, or with a therapist)
How did i feel after the mistake. Regret, dirty, whatever i was seeking (whatever it was, i honestly didn't know) i did not find any satisfaction from the encounter.
Even though i said the second encounter nothing happened, bun and i both saw it as a betrayal. So i cannot be in denial that because nothing happened, it is of lower severity.
- i am not. I take responsibility for this.
Moving on to myself. I need to understand what i have done to bun. The hurt i have caused. The devastation and shock that this happened.
You will be in all sort of emotions from now till you settle down and accept that it was a mistake and start wanting to work on us. It is a wound that will take a long time to heal (if ever). Any slight hit or push on this raw wound would make it bleed again.
Because you have recordings of the conversation. She said that because i deleted it, my memory of it will fade. But because you have it, it will always be there to remind you of the mistake i made.
Because it is always fresh in your mind, youll be constantly filled with the same emotions when you revisit it. And if you revisit it with me, my replies will be foggier and foggier while it will be fresh with you. This could cause anger and more distrust on your part because it will seem like I am changing the story in small ways. and I need to be prepared for it.
Moving on to myself. I need to understand what i have done to bun. The hurt i have caused. The devastation and shock that this happened.
You will be in all sort of emotions from now till you settle down and accept that it was a mistake and start wanting to work on us. It is a wound that will take a long time to heal (if ever). Any slight hit or push on this raw wound would make it bleed again.
Because you have recordings of the conversation. She said that because i deleted it, my memory of it will fade. But because you have it, it will always be there to remind you of the mistake i made.
Because it is always fresh in your mind, youll be constantly filled with the same emotions when you revisit it. And if you revisit it with me, my replies will be foggier and foggier while it will be fresh with you. This could cause anger and more distrust on your part because it will seem like I am changing the story in small ways. and I need to be prepared for it.
I must be aware of that. I must be know that even though i have seemed to reveal everything there is to reveal, and assure as much that i can, you will have new questions each time you revisit this. And new emotions will come up because of this. I need to be prepared for it and be supportive and carry these emotions, old or new.
- I understand and am aware of that. I will be mindful of this and do what I can to support you.
If the intention is repair and helping our relationship, i must have patience throughout this journey. The time it takes is indefinite.
Asked me if you had sought help from people around you. I mentioned your friends.
She said there is a good and bad to this.
Good is the consolation some friends will give. Bad is that some friends dont want to improve the relationship as they are biased strongly in favour of the friend. They may corrupt the mind and prevent or slow down the repair process.
Asked me on my support circle. I said I have, but haven't reached out yet.
Forgive and forget is wrong. One cannot forget. But eventual forgiveness is important, not fast forgiveness.
She said that the London incident is a betrayal to you. Because different people have different truths/realities. Even if agreed upon can still feel like a betrayal because a verbal agreement doesnt mean internalizing it to become ones's own belief. And will never be forgotten.
Stressors influence in this in her experience
Family, personal, financial stressors all lead to bad decision making. they need to be identified not as an excuse, but a reason to address. Not to seek forgiveness for understanding my mistake, but to help understand the factors leading up to it so we can have a healthier relationship.
different people react differently to different stressors. It is a mixing pot of emotions and external stressors that creates a particular response.
- I think now that it was the accumulated stress of everything that happened in my life in recent months that led to this. I am open to new ideas and analysis of why because I dont want to limit this to just what I think.
I was weak. you could have the same stressors too and yet I am the one who made the mistake.
The move,
the stress from alaska,
the financial stress from our purchase and rental - the worst case scenarios haunting me despite me acting calm about it,
the stress about trading and the daily emotional management i have to do - and me acting calm about it,
my communication problems of me not wanting to share all these problems with you - I generally have tried to keep my problems as much as i can away from you so as to prevent you from taking on my negative emotions.
me always pretending to be alright because that is the sign of strength i want to portray to you - until sometimes i get a bit too stressed and you see it and we talk a bit about it.
our lack of intimacy over the recent years because of my recent daily stress levels
all possibly in some way added to my breaking point.
About our communication problems: we need to talk about everything we think there is a problem about. list them down eventually and discuss it productively.
How it will be if you see her.
She wants to see you individually as she knows you are in a lot of pain. Yet now may not be the best time because it is so raw.
Couples will be preferred eventually.
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