Hello again Journal. I messed up. 21.9.22

 Hi journal. It's been 5 years since we spoke. 

things have been great. never felt happier in my life. A few ups and downs over the course, but they are normal. 

I could write a book full of the happiness that I have experienced. but this post will not be that.

I recently did something bad. "bad" doesnt come close to express the severity. 

In August, I hired a masseusse to my room in mnl. it ended up with her giving a bj. Then again in Sep, I had another mnl, and I found myself instigating the same masseusse via chats. Nothing happened as there was no meet up.

I need to reflect on what led to this incident. and reflect on it on many levels.

1. why was i seeking a masseusse and how did i feel about it

I thought deep and hard about this. In the moment i had no clue. I was driven by an impulse to seek a cheap massage in mnl. Probably I was physically tired with the events that happened at home - the moving, the constant studying and work. 

I knew it was wrong as it was a taboo topic since the past. I think i was trying to hide it to avoid confrontation or misunderstanding, a white lie. i hate to call it that. but the fact that it was a lie created the foundation of my internal pain and conflict. 

I wanted a massage that is for sure. And on checking, it seemed that  massages were cheap there. one search led to another to another. there was an impulse of clicking and searching. I did not feel it then. but on looking back, it felt like a possession, an uncontrollable impulse to do it. before i knew it, the searches had soon covered the dirty massages as well. and soon it became the norm for a search. In that moment. my mind was corrupted and i was drawn into this very dirty place.

I have not felt this way before. I did not like that feeling and i want to know why it was such an uncontrollable thing.

2. Why did I choose her

price was the main factor. this i know for sure. I am a miser. 

I don't even remember where I found her from. in that corrupted state, a cheap price and seemingly value for money massage with time spent was appealing. 

It was all a flurry. i recall her telegram showing a list of services. included with the massage.

I know for a fact i wasnt seeking a sexual encounter. But i think that the fact that there was a possibility of it to be included in a cheap price felt the most worth it. That is what i think went through my mind. it was broken down into cost/value.  

3. what happened and how did i feel during/after

she was very talkative and once she saw that i was a relaxed and subdued person, she let go of her rants about her life.

from her travels for work, to moving, to family, to her sister getting pregnant, to trading. nothing was interesting. you may think that trading would be interesting to me and that I could find a person who understood. no. not all traders think the same and 99% of traders lose al their money. she was one of them. i dont consider her a trader. 

she spoke for a long long time. the entire time i was just listening to her talk, i was very aware that this is not cheating cos i am not doing anything. maybe i jusut need someone to talk/listen to. (the listening part didnt happen cos i barely shared much about  myself).

then the massage happened. and because of the massage, I allowed the bj to happen. I succumbed to the moment of vulnerability and let it happen. 

after it was done, i instantly felt a gush of guilt and dirt overwhelm me. what have i done and why did i do it? it did not satisfy any needs that I wanted. I hve never seeked a bj. never seeked sex elsewhere. why did i let it happen when i never needed it in the first place. the fact that I let the massage get to the bj was disgusting. I didnt feel good. it was an overwhelming feeling of what have i done?

4. how did i feel back in singapore

this had to be a lie/white lie. of course i didnt want it to affect our lives. the fact that it happened made me guilty and the more i wanted my life to be happy and normal. 

I come home to her and bisous and i see the family that i love and treasure. and I do that. 

I tried my best to be normal. 

She now told me that I seemed off during the month. I think i am not able to hide my emotions that well too. I dont like hiding it. It was eating me inside. no wonder it showed despite me trying to be normal.

what was i hiding? i was hiding my guilt and shame that i let her down. i was not hiding my satisfaction of a successful cheat. there is a difference and i know it well.

5. why did i initiate it again?

i have asked myself this over and over and over again. 

it comes down to what was i seeking. I know for a fact that i did not want any of that anymore following the last time. 

I think it was the thrill of the chat/chase. something that she told me she knew very well. it was new to me. 

why did i want that chase? 

the whole time leading up to the sep mnl, i was just engaged in the chase. and the replies were lukewarm and not interested. But I kept chasing. it was like the possession came back. I disregarded any concern for her and compartmentalized it. it was like a separate part of my life. looking back it is scary how possessed i was with that compartment i was hiding. 

I was not expecting anything. actually just conversation for the fun of it. i recall nothing bad at all leading up.

It was when I arrived in mnl when suddenly I felt the impulse to chase and get that thrill again. I knew nothing would happen cos the girl was not free the whole day. I recall myself thinking "say something to get another response". it was flowered up in language and vocab that I have stored in my head the whole time we chatted. 

it was gross.

6. why did i confess?

coming back to singapore, it felt the same as the first time. even though nothing happened, it never went away. the chase was as bad as the act.

the chase is cheating to me as well. i have never done it before and it feels so foreign to me. i was caught up in that loop of chasing and disregarded everything else. it was so disruptive to my life when it happened, and our lives after it happened.

throughout the day. there was this growing rot in me. 

when i sent her off with her mum downstairs, that final exchange of glances that we had was the final straw. my heart broke at that moment and i couldnt function the rest of the day.

that look we share reminded me of a woman whom i love and have loved for 7 years of my life. - Pillar 1

I dug deep to think of reasons why this happened. i came up with excuses like financial stress and rejected it immediately. yes it could be a reason why it happened on a deeper level. but that does not make it right. I always pride myself for trying and wanting to do the right thing. the fact that i did the worst wrong thing of all has finally destroyed me. 

my sex drive has been low for the longest time due to my continued work. if i wanted to seek sex and stray, it would have happened long time ago. i know sex isnt the thing and i dont want to stray. it is not an option to me. 

was i trying to seek thrill. why was i trying to seek thrill. could it be the underlying stressors that caused that? i do not know and i do not strive to answer that. i want to leave that to the professionals. 

was I trying to seek another listening ear? even if i was, that wasnt satisfied. but that is the question she asked me. why was i trying to seek another listening ear. why couldnt I talk to her instead. it is something i have to address in order to move forward. 

the day went by and i made up my mind to not let this continue. I could not answer so many questions in my head. I would think that a person who cheats knows exactly why he/she did so and they do it very consciously and have their reasons for it. 

i couldnt answer why. i tried to find answers and help online. i want to share with you (future me) something that may remind you in future why you are doing this drastic step:

"If you experience the following signs, you and your spouse may want to consider relationship and marital counselling to address the issues at hand:

You feel that the fighting never seems to end and the anger keeps on piling up.

You’re feeling more and more insecure with yourself and with your relationship.

You believe that your spouse has a serious mental disorder.

You seem to put everything first except your spouse.

You believe that love is no longer there with your spouse.

You start to complain and gets irritated over small things on your relationship.

You feel that you and your spouse do not have anything in common to share with each other.

You feel that you have tried so many things to work the relationship and it has been exhausting for you.

You start to imagine what your life would be without our spouse.

You feel that you have lost meaning in your relationship."

I read this and broke down. i conclude there must be something wrong with me. 

i have no aanger towards her. i do not feel insecure with us. I put her first in my life. there is so much love in my life for her. i love the way she makes the little things work in our lives. we have so much life to share with each other and to make our lifes our focal point. i dont feel exhausted at all. i CANNOT imagine my life without her. our relationship is all the meaning in my life now.

I am so happy with us. why did i do it? i am crying again. 

then i put myself in her shoes, pillar 2

she now will feel more and more insecure with me. she tries to work this relationship and it gets exhausting to deal with this, this may be the final straw for her.

I decided that I need help and it will be worth all the consequences. if there is something wrong with me, i need to fix it in order to fix us. 

we could go on our days with me just pretending. but i am taking away the 100% of me that i could be giving her. it is not fair to her and i need to make change. 

i think about the steps to take, i think about the consequences of telling her. she could leave me. she would never trust me again. we would never be intimate again. 

I looked down at myself in third person. I imagined what i would say about him. i broke down thinking about that. I know what i would say. My judgements are clear on such people. What happened to me and why have I become that. what happened in the past 2 months that led to that? or maybe even longer in time that manifested to the 2 months. 

I wanted this person gone, he is not the person i want to be - pillar 3

i have no ego in this. i am prepared to accept it all in order to get better, no matter how long it takes. 

My 3 pillars of strength will bring me through this journey of recovery. I will hold them dear during.

All i wish is that she would give me one more chance.