Revolt 22.9.22

  She met Cheyenne and Jiaen yesterday. 

Today she met nish.

I woke up crying. thinking of what i had done to us. 

we were in my room, she spoke of giving up on life.

Spoke of bisous being cute and easy to care for. I broke out in tears. 

My revolt for what I had done to us. 

I did not think. precisely the problem. I did not think. what got into me that I did not think?

I have never been like that. Why now?

She has the shorter end of the stick. The pain she feels in imcomparable to what I feel. I only feel remorse and revolt. 

Hers is an entire myriad of pain that I can never imagine. 

On our walk with bisous tonight, I thought about what she read out to me regarding what I typed to that girl. 

A few bits and pieces that she mentioned. I remember the most disgusting thing. I am now listening to it from a third person. I cannot imagine typing those things. I didnt mean any of it. In any case I was full of revolt towards myself. I felt so angry that I said those things to create a clear mistake for emotional connection. What was i doing saying these things? What was I trying to chase/seek? did i acheive anything? not at all. 

This is not even considering the act. I had so many chances to let it stop, like she said. What got into me? I was thinking with my other head. Why did I let it continue to the end? wherever I draw my line, i know that anything on the spectrum is wrong. I say so easily that emotional cheating is wrong. Why is then that i let it get to 3, 4 steps further? Is it because deep in my psyche I actually think a anything before a BJ is ok? I certainly don't feel that on the surface. I would not kiss another girl, I would not touch another girl, i would not share flirty glances with another girl, I would not let another girl touch me. That is for sure. So what did this happen?

I dont want to give an excuse. I just want to reflect and investigate. 

I felt trapped and i wanted it to end from the beginning. But is it because I paid $ that's why i sat through the dreary conversations? what was I expecting? I think the massage. 

Now I got through the horrible long massage. I could stop it there. why didn't I? 

There is no other answer than me thinking with my other head. When she started initiating it, I knew it would end fast and that would be it. It happened exactly like that and I was left feeling horrible and dirty and wtf did i just do. 

Why did I not think of all the lines in the sand and know that I am crossing one? i was not thinking straight at all. It was a combination of so many factors.

It was my first time in such a scenario. I was feeling strange and out of my skin. I couldnt be myself. Maybe i was not able to assert any authority and took the easy way out. Weak of me. 

did i know it was wrong then? Or was i too caught in the moment to just let it continue and end? I think the latter. 

This is appalling. Why did i become like this? I used to preach that i am full of self control. What led to this? I am destroying myself because I let this happen. Why did i slide into this disgusting pit? I hate people like this. Why have i become him?

I have hurt her so much. I will do whatever it takes to make her happy again.