My worst mistake

 Apart from the first counselling session,  Took MC for my long FUK. I made the decision for 1 reason only. I wanted to be around for her. Especially in the moments she feels a bit better. I want to be there to give her a hug. no one knows her better me. no one knows me better than her. i want to be there when she needs me. I know not to expect softness from her. How could i? she is experiencing such a wave of emotions that it is likely taking her aback as well.  Alicia told me to have patience. I was already prepared to have patience. However long it takes. Because she means the world to me. I owe it to her to have patience to fix us. It is the nothing compared to what she is required to do.  I havent eaten well.  past three days has been weird. Im sure for her as well.  21.9 only had meal on board. im nt sure if we ate anything late at night. 22.9 had a bit of fruits in morning. noodles after my medical. and a piece of bread and scrambled eggs at night 23...

 I need to create a post to document our progress. It will be a factual post on her moods throughout the day. none of my feelings. 21.9 when I told her. anger cos of betrayal. disbelief. sadness. investigative to find out all the truth 22.9 before cheyenne. sad. angry when she wanted more truth. it is all getting a bit blur to me which talk we had on which day.  After cheyenne. dont remember.  night after jiaen. didnt want to talk much.  night before sleep. sad but accepting. hugged. 23.9 morning i went for my first session. felt calm. during session, seeking truth. angry.  during bisous walk, seeking truth, angry. came back from her own outing before nic, quiet, kept her emotions in. 24.9 morning till 4pm. not talking. no sign of visible emotion. had her client come and go. not eating evening,, seeking truth, angry night, calm, accepting, forward looking, hugged 25.9 day, not talking. no sign of visible emotion, likely avoiding me to prevent the negative emotio...

 Went to be early last night as I was so tired. was woken just before midnight, i thought it was 6am. only 2 hours had passed. she shook me awake and  I saw her by my side on the sofa.  the words she said "why did you have to do this to us?"  I broke down crying. the entirety of my mistake engulfed me.  She was so precious sitting there.  Her face, that precious face which I love so much. I hurt her so deeply.  Her body, that precious little body which i call my bunby. I just wanted to hold her tight. every bit of my being crumbled when I looked at the woman whom i vowed to protect. what have i done to us? my heart hurt so much, i cant imagine how much hers hurts. every emotion i feel, i cant imagine how much it is magnified for her.  I only experience remorse, regret and anger. Hers is so much more. i penned this down yesterday and now I said this to her. i wanted her to know that I feel her pain and i wanted to be here for her.  When I look...

    Session 1 - 23/9 9.30am Started by talking about the email, running through in summary our history. I broke down when I detailed the reason I wanted to bring it up to you. She said that I must be in a lot of pain. I told her that London. Went through it in detail because i brought it up. I saw it as nothing but she saw it as betrayal. It is the act of not telling that is the betrayal. - communication Asked about 'ups and downs' that i wrote in the email. What were they? Before and after marriage Mostly communication issues as i was the less communicative one. Mostly these were the main causes of every disagreement we had. I said i always try to improve that. Im not sure if i have, whether i subconsciously revert back to my personality type, im not sure. - i think i am making progress cos each time I say i want to improve, I genuinely want to improve and i hope the progress can be seen. Told her how i think it is me who is the problem with the communication. About me using...

  She met Cheyenne and Jiaen yesterday.  Today she met nish. I woke up crying. thinking of what i had done to us.  we were in my room, she spoke of giving up on life. Spoke of bisous being cute and easy to care for. I broke out in tears.  My revolt for what I had done to us.  I did not think. precisely the problem. I did not think. what got into me that I did not think? I have never been like that. Why now? She has the shorter end of the stick. The pain she feels in imcomparable to what I feel. I only feel remorse and revolt.  Hers is an entire myriad of pain that I can never imagine.  On our walk with bisous tonight, I thought about what she read out to me regarding what I typed to that girl.  A few bits and pieces that she mentioned. I remember the most disgusting thing. I am now listening to it from a third person. I cannot imagine typing those things. I didnt mean any of it. In any case I was full of revolt towards myself. I felt so angry that...

 Broke down twice.  first was just looking at the display photo of the last post in 2017. I didnt dare open and read what was inside. I know how excited and happy I was to propose to her.  the past 5 years flew by. We were so happy.  what have i done? I'm devastated. I cannot imagine how shattered my love must be. Made 2 appointments for help. 23 Sep and 12 Oct. it cant come sooner enough.  will be updating everything here