My worst mistake

 11am. shes asleep i hope. I hope she has a good rest. I just want to go in and hold her and tell her that this is a nightmare. while walking bisous. i regret letting myself raise my fingers and make the first step that caused all this. the first step that led to an avalanche of lost control. whatever the factors that led to the lost control. if i had only stood back and looked at myself then. Rather than look at myself now and hate myself. i could have hated myself for having the thought then. now i hate myself more for having done the deed.  all this is irreversible.  I thought of what she said to me. about why i chose a thrashy person. i have no real reason. i think the maybe it is cos my subconscious did not want to be unfaithful, maybe my subconscious just wanted to find an out, a cheap out. but along the way it was corrupted so badly and progressed to the entire misdeed. the uncontrollability of myself, i still cannot believe.  nothing is an excuse. nothing wil...

 Apart from the first counselling session,  Took MC for my long FUK. I made the decision for 1 reason only. I wanted to be around for her. Especially in the moments she feels a bit better. I want to be there to give her a hug. no one knows her better me. no one knows me better than her. i want to be there when she needs me. I know not to expect softness from her. How could i? she is experiencing such a wave of emotions that it is likely taking her aback as well.  Alicia told me to have patience. I was already prepared to have patience. However long it takes. Because she means the world to me. I owe it to her to have patience to fix us. It is the nothing compared to what she is required to do.  I havent eaten well.  past three days has been weird. Im sure for her as well.  21.9 only had meal on board. im nt sure if we ate anything late at night. 22.9 had a bit of fruits in morning. noodles after my medical. and a piece of bread and scrambled eggs at night 23...

 I need to create a post to document our progress. It will be a factual post on her moods throughout the day. none of my feelings. 21.9 when I told her. anger cos of betrayal. disbelief. sadness. investigative to find out all the truth 22.9 before cheyenne. sad. angry when she wanted more truth. it is all getting a bit blur to me which talk we had on which day.  After cheyenne. dont remember.  night after jiaen. didnt want to talk much.  night before sleep. sad but accepting. hugged. 23.9 morning i went for my first session. felt calm. during session, seeking truth. angry.  during bisous walk, seeking truth, angry. came back from her own outing before nic, quiet, kept her emotions in. 24.9 morning till 4pm. not talking. no sign of visible emotion. had her client come and go. not eating evening,, seeking truth, angry night, calm, accepting, forward looking, hugged 25.9 day, not talking. no sign of visible emotion, likely avoiding me to prevent the negative emotio...

 Went to be early last night as I was so tired. was woken just before midnight, i thought it was 6am. only 2 hours had passed. she shook me awake and  I saw her by my side on the sofa.  the words she said "why did you have to do this to us?"  I broke down crying. the entirety of my mistake engulfed me.  She was so precious sitting there.  Her face, that precious face which I love so much. I hurt her so deeply.  Her body, that precious little body which i call my bunby. I just wanted to hold her tight. every bit of my being crumbled when I looked at the woman whom i vowed to protect. what have i done to us? my heart hurt so much, i cant imagine how much hers hurts. every emotion i feel, i cant imagine how much it is magnified for her.  I only experience remorse, regret and anger. Hers is so much more. i penned this down yesterday and now I said this to her. i wanted her to know that I feel her pain and i wanted to be here for her.  When I look...

    Session 1 - 23/9 9.30am Started by talking about the email, running through in summary our history. I broke down when I detailed the reason I wanted to bring it up to you. She said that I must be in a lot of pain. I told her that London. Went through it in detail because i brought it up. I saw it as nothing but she saw it as betrayal. It is the act of not telling that is the betrayal. - communication Asked about 'ups and downs' that i wrote in the email. What were they? Before and after marriage Mostly communication issues as i was the less communicative one. Mostly these were the main causes of every disagreement we had. I said i always try to improve that. Im not sure if i have, whether i subconsciously revert back to my personality type, im not sure. - i think i am making progress cos each time I say i want to improve, I genuinely want to improve and i hope the progress can be seen. Told her how i think it is me who is the problem with the communication. About me using...

  She met Cheyenne and Jiaen yesterday.  Today she met nish. I woke up crying. thinking of what i had done to us.  we were in my room, she spoke of giving up on life. Spoke of bisous being cute and easy to care for. I broke out in tears.  My revolt for what I had done to us.  I did not think. precisely the problem. I did not think. what got into me that I did not think? I have never been like that. Why now? She has the shorter end of the stick. The pain she feels in imcomparable to what I feel. I only feel remorse and revolt.  Hers is an entire myriad of pain that I can never imagine.  On our walk with bisous tonight, I thought about what she read out to me regarding what I typed to that girl.  A few bits and pieces that she mentioned. I remember the most disgusting thing. I am now listening to it from a third person. I cannot imagine typing those things. I didnt mean any of it. In any case I was full of revolt towards myself. I felt so angry that...

 Broke down twice.  first was just looking at the display photo of the last post in 2017. I didnt dare open and read what was inside. I know how excited and happy I was to propose to her.  the past 5 years flew by. We were so happy.  what have i done? I'm devastated. I cannot imagine how shattered my love must be. Made 2 appointments for help. 23 Sep and 12 Oct. it cant come sooner enough.  will be updating everything here

 I am devastated. I cannot imagine how shattered she must be.  I have just made a big hole in our ship.  A ship that i have committed myself to reinforcing the past 7 years.   I used my symbol of trust to breach the trust i have built.  sending her photos was my way of telling her everything is ok. it has been for 7 years until this incident. i exploited this trust. and I cannot stand that I did it. i need to make ammends.  I know that 1 time is as good as 10 times is as good as 100 times. it doesnt matter how many times it happened.  I dont expect to be trusted again.  I will mend the hole in the ship and i will do what it takes to support her in her trauma. It will take an indefinite amount of time. I am prepared for that.  It is a trauma that is amplified by her prior life experience as she shared with me. I hate myself for letting that happen.  i so much wanted to be the perfect person in her life. the person she looked up to. t...

 Why do i love you? it gets easier year after year. I never let you know. I am softer because of you.  I reflect in ways I never reflected because of you. I am compassionate to love ones because of you. I love how you take care of me and support me and just always are around.  I love how my happiest moments are when I see you happy. I love how my saddest moments are when I see you sad. I love how you make me want to be a better person for us I love how life is enough just the 3 of us, and for you as well.  and I love how you love me, with everything you have. 

 Why did i do what i did.  What was i Seeking?  Upon reflection I concluded that it was essentially seeking someone to talk/listen to primarily. And the key is that this person has no social attachment to me and will not be affected by anything. Not that this was satisfied. But it was the seeking of conversation that is in question.  But why? What is it that i cannot talk to her about that i need to seek elsewhere? Isnt that part and parcel of a marriage? talking about the good things and the hard things? I suspect it is part of my personality that doesnt not want to drag loved ones into my world of stress. that's why i seeked someone who i would have no attachements to. We'll listen to the professional about this. The more stressed I get, the more i close up. And I only want to share the happy times cos they are easy to do.  but when times get tough, I think i want to take it onto myself to deal with it.  I know that is unhealthy. especially in a marriage ...

 Hi journal. It's been 5 years since we spoke.  things have been great. never felt happier in my life. A few ups and downs over the course, but they are normal.  I could write a book full of the happiness that I have experienced. but this post will not be that. I recently did something bad. "bad" doesnt come close to express the severity.  In August, I hired a masseusse to my room in mnl. it ended up with her giving a bj. Then again in Sep, I had another mnl, and I found myself instigating the same masseusse via chats. Nothing happened as there was no meet up. I need to reflect on what led to this incident. and reflect on it on many levels. 1. why was i seeking a masseusse and how did i feel about it I thought deep and hard about this. In the moment i had no clue. I was driven by an impulse to seek a cheap massage in mnl. Probably I was physically tired with the events that happened at home - the moving, the constant studying and work.  I knew it was wrong as it...